My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
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If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..