Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
You Might Also Like
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste