[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
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Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Y’all know who you are.