I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
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What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.