Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
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me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Coffee is ready.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.