8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
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I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
why isn’t he texting back
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus