Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
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i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
the last thing a carrot sees
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown