DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
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TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
wow
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Hello, my name is Pierre.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you