“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
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Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”