Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
you know what ruined my childhood? children
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta