[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
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Yup….perfect score!
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.