The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
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It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time