[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Air conditioning – not a fan
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Golf would be better with landmines.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Um … Hot Wings please
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?