My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
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I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal