I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
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Why font matters.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.