“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
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My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭