[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
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As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.