You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
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I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?