This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
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Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp