If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
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Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*