Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
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Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
BaD BoY!!
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait