nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
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Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Growing out my freckles.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg