News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
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I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”