Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
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[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
You got this…
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.