Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
You Might Also Like
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people