Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
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She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
that lip filler tho
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.