[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
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The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back