What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
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Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?