Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
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*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
awkward
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”