My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
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[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.