Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
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*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix