I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
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Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”