“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
You Might Also Like
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans