Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
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I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Breaking news:
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Do not steal food from the science building!
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed