I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
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Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.