“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
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Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
What if all the cashiers are married?
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
There is no “we” in pizza
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white