[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
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If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Cndnsd Mlk
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket