Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
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serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
oh no, steve’s working tonight
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.