The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
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I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.