Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
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@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?