My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
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Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I have never related to anyone more.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Cheers Twitter.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.