If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
You Might Also Like
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*