“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
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Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
*performs CPR on the turkey*
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.