I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
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[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.