I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
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If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
My inexpensive home security system…
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
#Caturday
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone