why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
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I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
So sick of all these stupid rules
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.