Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
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H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I’d hang this in my house.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles