My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
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Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful