me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
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Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.