If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
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A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
the saddest jazz hands ever
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.